Adoptions
Adoptions have changed drastically over the years, for the better in many ways. If you were born before the laws changed then you are out of luck, you have no rights. I do understand the want to be private and unknown, out of shame or pressure, or for many other reasons. But is it ever going to be okay for the ‘child’ to know?
Certainly 54 years after the fact, does one still have to hide? How can knowing the child destroy your life today? I’m a mature adult and so are your children…………AND… most likely your grandchildren. Right? Yes??
Today I’m just angry and needing to vent. For decades I’ve wanted desperately to reach out to my birth parents. I wanted them to know I was fine and had no ill feelings for the decisions they made more then 5 decades ago. I wanted the chance to learn who ‘my’ birth parents were. Maybe a picture, a first name, anything. Why are they so afraid ?
My birth father did speak to the adoption agency several years ago but my timing was horrible and he couldn’t deal with it then. I was hurt more by not knowing if there was anyone else in his life to lean on at that moment since I knew he needed someone. I cried for hours, I was helpless and could do nothing when I felt he could have used ‘someone’ to lean on the most.
His son was dying of cancer, I had always known he existed from the non-identifying information the adoption agency gave me. I could do nothing and at that time it was not a good time, I totally understood. The agency couldn’t find my birth mother.
Two years later when I found out my Ex had cancer and everyone else in his immediate family had cancer, I was freaking out. My son now had cancer on both sides of the family and I’m thinking “he’s screwed”. I pushed the agency again to see if they’d contact him again and ask if anyone other then the son I knew about, had cancer, or M.S. or anything else that maybe I should know about. He did provide answers and I’m eternally grateful for the info he shared. Oh, and BTW he has a daughter 3 years younger then me.
The agency said he asked about me but I do not know if they told him anything or not. I asked the agency if I could send him a letter, believe it or not they have to ask him if I can? It’s not like they would be giving me his address or anything, *sigh* I just wanted them to send a letter from me. They told him I wanted to send a letter thanking him for talking to the agency……….WHAT??? That isn’t what I asked for, f#ck.
So here I have sat for 5 months with no chance at all of having my birth father read the 17 page letter I prepared for him. And, if he felt it was okay, there was a letter for my sister that he could read and pass along if he wanted to. Words cannot express the hurt I still feel inside. I lost a brother to cancer who most likely never knew about me. My sister, well I guess that chance is gone too. I fear my birth father will never want to know me at all, and that in the long run leaves my sister from knowing she has an older sister. I know we are only related on our fathers side, but we are related, she IS my sister, he IS my father. Yet I’m the one who feels punished, for life.
Why do I want to reach out to him then? As I said above, he is my father and I want the chance to know him, to let him know a bit about my life . To say Thank-you for giving me life. For giving a couple who couldn’t have kids the chance to have them. To let him know I’m not angry with being adopted.
But most of all, above all else, I want to say “I love you dad”.